Vic: Now, I know it’s been a while since we covered it, but, for this last piece I’d like to bring up the whole Multiverse Theory again. See, I was digging through my archives and I found something Ca-RAZY! I mean seriously, dude! C-A-R-AZY! It’s a theory about a universe where Red Vs. Blue is just a cartoon! [guitar plays]
It’s a theory about a universe where Red Vs. Blue is just a cartoon! [guitar plays]
Made by a bunch of losers in Texas! Made by a bunch of losers in Texas! Heh, I mean, talk about farfetched! [guitar plays]
But still, seemed entertaining enough, so, let’s just humour the idea… [wrench turning] Donut: Oh yeah, that’s it, Lopez! Way to bend over and work those nuts! Grip that shaft! Give ’em a good screw! Simmons: I still don’t understand how our teleporter keeps breaking. Who could be taking parts out of it? Sarge: Well, uh, certainly no-one building a secret Physical Location Object Transfer device! Sometimes referred to as a P.L.O.T. device, for short! Not that I would know. Grif: Teleporter shmeleporter! I already tried telling him all you have to do is turn the power off and then turn it back on! Problem’ll fix itself! It’s a proven science! Like, uh, global cooling! Sarge: Muchos amigos, Kimosabe! *chuckling* Simmons, activate Red Base Teleporter No. 1! [activating sound]
[static noises] Grif: Woah, what’s wrong with this thing? Simmons: Oh God, it’s drawing too much power! Sarge: Look out, everyone! Incoming! All: (screaming) Caboose: Hello. Simmons: Well THAT was anti-climactic. Donut: Sure was! And I really wanted to climax with all you guys… Sarge: Ha! Stupid Blue! You walked right into the trap we didn’t even know we had set! Grif: Which means you is even dumber than us is! Simmons: *sighs* Caboose, why were you in our teleporter? Caboose (through Sarge’s body): Well, I was playing hide-and-seek with Tucker, and I crawled into the deep freezer-my favourite hiding spot- when I saw a bright light! Miles: Wait! Cut! Guys, what’re you doing?! Okay, those are Caboose’s lines. You’re bobbing to the wrong heads. The Blue guy, not the Red guy! Josh: Oh, son of a bitch! There’s too many damn colours in this god-damn show! Tyler: I know, it’s so confusing! Miles: Guys, please, you know I hate it when I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not, right? So could you just, you know, reason with me here? Tyler: Oh, Mr. Miles Luna, can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic? Mr. Writer gotta use the BIG words, like “Sarcastic”! Miles: It’s like a standard word, dude.
[Josh and Tyler overlapping each other] It’s like a basic word.
[Josh and Tyler overlapping each other] Tyler: Spell it in a sentence for me! Sarcastic! Miles, Josh, Tyler: (arguing) Burnie: Well, well, well! If it isn’t another episode of Red Vs. Blue in production. What a lovable collection of bickering morons! Of course, the actual characters in the actual show are funny, but I guess you dipshits are even funnier! Miles: Ha ha ha ha, Burnie, it’s so good to see you! Look, it’s getting late, we have a tight schedule here, and all we have left to drink are these Rocket Rooster energy drinks that Matt keeps forcing on everyone! Burnie: That’s because it gives you a magical level of efficiency, Miles! Josh: It also turns my ass into a magical mudslide, Burnie. Miles: What do you want? Burnie: Oh, I don’t know, Miles! Maybe I wanna save the legacy of my inspiring career from the millenial hacks that have taken over my show! Y’know, back when WE worked on Red Vs. Blue, we actually gave a shit! Isn’t that right, Geoff? Geoff: I don’t remember! Burnie: H-how do you not remember? You worked on the show for like six years! Geoff: I drank a lot! Burnie: *sighs* Miles: Alright, well Gramps, thanks for stopping by but I think it’s time you two just shuffled on out of here if you wanna catch that Early Bird special! I hear the senior discount ends at 5pm! [laughing] [laughing]
Tyler: That’s ‘cos they’re old! Josh: Feel the Burnie bu-…burn. Miles: You got there, no you got there, that was good.
Tyler: Good one. Burnie: Okay, alright, well I guess you guys think that you’re pretty hot shit, huh? Well guess what?! WE are the hottest shit that there is! In fact, WE’RE so hot, we’re like…a giant bag of shit that’s lit on fire, and then, you put it on your neighbour’s doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run away in the middle of the night! And then your neighbour comes out in his robe, and his slippers, and he’s like: “What’s this?! Oh, it’s a huge burning bag on my doorstep! I better put that out!” So he starts stomping on it! He’s stomping on the fire! But guess what?! He’s not stomping on fire! He’s stomping! On! SHIT! And that hot shit that’s on the bottom of his slipper?! THAT’S US! Josh: That’s a really fucking weird metaphor. Burnie: YOU’RE a really fucking weird metaphor! Am I right, Geoff? Geoff: Uh, I dunno. Burnie: How can you not know? It’s not that hard. Geoff: I still drink a lot! Miles: *sighs* Gentlemen, I think it’s time you moved on, okay? Now if you’ll excuse us, we gotta get back to adding 3 dozen brand new pivotal characters to this season’s story arc. Later! Burnie: I made pivotal characters. Come on Geoff, let’s go! Geoff: Yeah! Let’s go, Geoff! Miles: You did a good job, that burn? The Burnie burn? (all agreeing) Tyler: That was awesome! Miles: Alright, now was that a sarcastic high-five or a serious one? I just don’t wanna go down this road again, okay? Tyler: What does “sarcastic” mean? Burnie: Son of a bitch! How can they be so arrogant?! No-one’s better than me! Y’know, we need to put those guys in their place! But how? Geoff: We could convince them to make some kind of permanent change in their appearance, like a mark or a design or something on their skin that seems super cool at first, but after 14 years or so seems ever-so-slightly less cool. Ah, who am I kidding? Nobody’s dumb enough to fall for THAT repeatedly. Burnie: No, nobody’s that dumb. What we need…is… …a simple solution! (laughing evilly) (laughter dies down) Geoff: Like the Nazis! Burnie: Wha-? No, that’s- Geoff, that’s the Final solution, I-I’m gonna cut the power! Geoff: Ohh! Burnie: Yeah, why Nazis? That was kinda weird. Sarge: Precisely, Lopez! Scientifically, there’s only one way to make sure the teleporter is finally working properly! And that’s for all of us to jump into it at exactly the same moment! Simmons: Sir, that doesn’t make any sense. Sarge: On the count of three! Ready? Grif: *sighs* Well this is a great plan. Sarge: One! Burnie: Alright, you ready? Geoff: Yeah. Burnie: One… Geoff: Oh man, this is gonna work perfectly! Burnie: Oh, this plan is definitely gonna work. Two… Sarge: Two! Sarge,Burnie: And… Miles: And, three! Three! Three. *whispering* Three. Thr-three? Guys, what the fuck are you doing? Tucker’s supposed to come out of the teleporter and say his line! Josh: Um, which-which one is Tucker again? Miles: The teal one! Tyler: I thought he was cyan. No, no, no, Carolina’s cyan. Tucker’s aquamarine. Miles: They’re the same colour! Tyler: Then which one was turquoise?! Miles: Guys! Look, Tucker’s black when he comes out of the teleporter, okay? It’s not important, because black lines don’t matter! Josh: Boy, what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?! Sarge: And… Burnie: And… Miles(slow-motion): Fuuuuuu- Sarge: And… [electrical noises] Burnie: Three! Sarge: Three! (All screaming) [electrical sounds] (screaming)
Tyler: My eyes! Miles, Josh, Tyler: (screaming) Miles, Josh, Tyler: (screaming)
Caboose: (screaming) Caboose: (screaming) Miles, Josh, Tyler: (screaming)
Caboose: (screaming) Burnie: Well that worked better than I thought it would. Caboose: (screaming) Simmons: Caboose, what are you screaming about?! Caboose (yelling): I don’t know, just seemed like the popular thing to do! (screaming) Sarge: Can it, blue-tard! You’re going to give away our position! Grif: What position? Simmons: Where are we? Donut: And how is it we are looking so good?! Check out the sheen on my armour! I feel like I just got slathered in baby oil, and now I’m ready to party! Sarge: Can it, pinkie-pants! It’s clear that our teleporter has been sabotaged! And now, we find ourselves smack-dab in the middle of… …the enemy’s lair! Grif: This uh, “lair”, looks more like a warehouse? Caboose: That would make it a “lairhouse”! Sarge: I agree, Lopez! There COULD be traps set around every corner! Simmons: What’s the plan, Sarge? Sarge: We need to reconnoitre! Emphasis on the “noitre”. Grif: Got it. I’ll scope out the enemy’s mess hall. Perhaps by eating their food, I’ll learn the way they think. Simmons: There’s gotta be a control room here somewhere. Donut: And hopefully a day spa! Ooh, maybe we can give each other facials! Sarge: Excelente! The work load is evenly divided, then! Grif, you take the left flank, Simmons, the right! Donut, take the rear. Donut: As always! (all overlapping each other) Joel: (humming) Matt: Hey Joel! Joel: Oh yeah, hey man. Matt: You’re here late. Joel: Yeah, I like to come in after the animators are gone home for the day and mess with their desks in weird ways. Matt: *chuckling* Joel: So you’ve got like the used Kleenex, and then the lotion, and I’m about to mess with the browser history. Matt: Oh, hey, type this in: M-E-A-T-S-P-I- [distant crashing] What was that? Joel: I think someone’s coming. Matt: Okay quick, let’s hide. [crashing] Sarge: Watch where you’re going, dirtbag! Caboose: Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way! Joel: What the hell was that? Matt: I dunno. I’m gonna go around back and try to figure it out. Hold this position, okay? Caboose: Oh…oh…look at all the devices! [digital beeping]
Sarge: “Motion capture computer”. “Authorized personnel only”? What in Sam He- Caboose: Admiral Sergeant, look! The computer, is mimicking me! Bad computer, that is rude! Sarge: Occam’s laser! I see what’s going on here! Our enemy has figured out a way to capture our every move, and then turn it against us! Why with nefarious technology like this, they could control an entire army! Possibly even two! Caboose: Or even an entire dance party! [disco music plays] [disco music plays]
Sarge: *growls* [disco music plays] [disco music plays faintly] Joel: That can’t be good. Grif: Let’s see what we got in the fridge, I guess. Gee whiz, the enemy sure drinks a lot of energy drinks. That must be exhausting. Where’s the real food? Wonder what the enemy eats? Huh, too healthy…not fattening enough… Vegetables?! Ugh! Where the hell do they keep the Oreos? Geoff: Hey, what the hell are you doing? Grif: Uh, nothing! Just uh, cleaning up the mess here, sir! Geoff: Ugh, kitchen duty huh? Man, I hate cleaning stuff. Grif: Yeah, tell me about it. I hate doing any kind of work, especially if it benefits others. Geoff: Ain’t nothing like doing nothing! Grif: Yeah, now you’re talking! Y’know, I bet I’m way better at doing nothing than you! Geoff: Not a chance, I haven’t done anything in years! Grif: Not doing anything isn’t nothing, it’s actually something. And you can be proud of that kind of nothing-something. Geoff: You’re right. It takes a lot of work to avoid doing work, and that’s the kind of work I don’t ever avoid. Grif: Why can’t other people see being lazy is the hardest job of all? Geoff: Right? I like the way you think! And hey, I may hate sharing almost as much as I hate work but… if you’re still looking for those Oreos, why don’t you try the vegetable crisper? Grif: Aw, sweet! I’ll tell you what buddy, maybe we could split these. I’m only gonna eat the middle part anyway. Geoff: Me too! And you know what? I think I have just the thing for us to wash it down with! [glass shattering] Grif: Uh, I’m not cleaning that up. Simmons: Oh, come on. What is this shit? This place is a dump! Is this somewhere where Grif would sit? Gross! Huh, what do we have here? Looks like some kind of communication device. Gus: (snoring) [Geoff screaming in background] Gus: What was that? Simmons: *through headphones* What was that? Gus: Testing? Simmons: Testing? Gus: Hello? Simmons: Hello? Gus: Huh. System seems to have some kind of feedback loop. Simmons: Yeah, I’m definitely getting a feedback loop. Gus: The feedback loop seems to be modulating itself. Simmons: That’s unusual. Gus: But not entirely unpredicted . Simmons: Mathematically it makes perfect sense. Gus: I think I’ve finally proven my theory. Simmons: Using this device… Gus: …the feedback loop is allowing me to transcend the barrier of the space-time continuum… Gus: …the feedback loop is allowing me to transcend the barrier of the space-time continuum…
Simmons: …time continuum… …and I can now communicate with myself… Gus, Simmons: …in the future! Gus: Uh, Future Me, where are you? I mean, where am ? I mean, where are we? Simmons: This location… I don’t know, it’s hard to describe, it’s very ugly. Uh, kind of place only someone with very bad taste would enjoy. I mean, it’s a real fucking shit show in here. Gus: That doesn’t sound familiar. Uh, is there anything that looks recognizable? Simmons: Oh, I think I found the control room. Oh, shit! Gus: What is it? Simmons: I think I saw the enemy. He’s a fucking ugly bastard! Gus: The enemy? Is there some kind of war in the future? What’s going on? Simmons: What the fuck kind of stupid question is that?! Don’t you know anything? Gus: Hey man, I’m not the one from the fucking future, okay?! I don’t know what the hell’s going on here! Simmons: I better just get out of here, this is definitely the time to retreat. Gus: Retreat?! Fuck that shit, don’t be a pussy! Simmons: What?! I don’t have any backup! Gus: Do you have any weapons? I dunno, something you can fight with? Simmons: I have a rifle with 60 rounds and a couple of grenades. Gus: What the fuck?! Man, the future is crazy! Simmons: What do I do? Gus: I dunno, use one of your grenades and shoot any of the bad guys who come out. Simmons: Okay, here goes nothing. [clicking] [thunking ] Gus: Woah, holy shit! Gus: (screaming) [explosion] Simmons: I see the enemy! I’m gonna shoot him! [gunfire]
Gus: Ahh, don’t shoot! Fuck the future! [disco music playing]
Caboose: Dance, I like dance, [explosion in background]
dancing dancing, I like dance! Sarge: My God, the enemy is attacking! You hold this position, while I flank them! Caboose: Holding position! Joel: That’s something you don’t see every day. Sarge: Ha-ha!
Matt: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! Hey! Sarge: Quit your yapping, dirtbag! Where’re the rest of your soldiers? Matt: Soldiers? You mean… employees? This is a practical joke, right? Sarge: *chuckles* Yeah, and the punchline is: I punch you in the face! Matt: So no? Sarge: Who’s in charge here? Matt: I am. Sarge: EHH, wrong again. I am. Matt: No, I-I am. Sarge: No, I am! Matt: No, I am. Sarge: Uh-uh, I am. Matt: Why do you just keep repeating the words I say? [shotgun cocking] Sarge: When you hear my shot a cockin’, you better start a-talkin’. Matt: Are you just trying out one-liners? Sarge: Shut up, dirtbag. Burnie: Hello? Anybody still here? Yo! What…? Oh my God! Burnie: What the hell’s happening in here?! Burnie: Yeah dude, I don’t speak Spanish. I have no fucking clue what you just said. Gus, Geoff: Ahh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck! Grif: Simmons: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,shit! Burnie: I wish that I could go just one week without dealing with those fucking morons! Sarge: Last chance, numbnuts! Matt: Okay, listen, listen. I don’t know why we’re here, I don’t know how this happened… …but before you pull that trigger I do know one thing. Sarge: *growling* Matt: There are four crazy people about to run around that corner and smash right into you. Sarge: *chuckling* You really think I’m gonna fall for that- (all screaming, overlapping each other) Joel: -And that you see…is not only the true meaning of life…but why all of us…should invest all of our money… in gold Matt: Joel, what the hell are you doing, man?! Come on! We need to get the hell outta here! Joel: Right behind you. Goodbye, friend. Caboose: And that was the smartest person I have ever met. Sarge: What happened?! Where did the enemy go?! Simmons: Those idiots outsmarted us! Grif: *panting* They were one step ahead of us. Sarge: That bastard! It’s like he was reading my mind! Like he knew my thoughts before I even thought them! Caboose: Yeah, I feel that way all the time. (all panting) Gus: What the hell is going on?! Geoff: Did we all really just see what I think we saw?! Joel: Maybe we-we’re just hallucinating, right? Like, we probably had too much Rocket Rooster Energy Drink, right? Matt: Or…maybe not enough? Gus: Oh come on, fuck off with that. Matt: Fuck you guys, it’s a major profit center! Gus: Matt, whatever is going on, we have to figure it out. We have to reverse it. Geoff: The switch! That’s how we got into this mess! Joel: Are you sure? Geoff: Yeah! It makes sense, we turn the power off, and we turn it back on again, and the problem fixes itself! It’s a proven science, like, uh, global cooling! Matt: We can do this guys, we can do this! On three! All: One… Burnie: Let go! That is my xbox! Sarge: What in Sam Hell?! Lopez! I told you, I don’t speak Spanish! All: Two… Burnie: Let go! Donut: Hey guys, I didn’t get a facial, but I did find a bunch of energy drinks and made us all cocktails! Simmons: Christ, Donut, are you fucking kidding me?! Donut: Now who wants the cock, and who wants the tail? (all clamouring) Matt: And… three! [electrical sounds] (slow-motion screaming) (screaming) Burnie (slow motion): Nooo- (screaming) (slow-motion screaming) (screaming) Burnie (slow-motion): …oooo… (screaming) [digital crackling] Caboose: Hello! Sarge: *growling* Burnie: Oh, son of a bitch! Gus: I think that maybe everything’s back to normal. Geoff: Yeah, the problem seems to have fixed itself. #science! Matt: So, I guess the real lesson here is that it’s perfectly safe to drink Rocket Rooster brand energy drink! There no proven long term or short term side effects! Gus: Yes. That’s the real lesson. Fuckin’ idiot. Geoff: You’re an idiot. Matt: What? What? Joel: I’m gonna go count my gold because that’s…what I do. Matt: Guys, this is how we make all of our money. I mean literally all of our money. Could you just work with me? I mean it only causes cancer in…some people. [electrical sounds]
Tucker: Three! Aw, fuckberries. [disco music plays over credits] Miles: You know, it’s weird how we haven’t seen Burnie around. Geoff: Yeah, it’s not the same without him. Gotta admit, kinda like the new guy though. Tucker: Well hello! Are you a model or famous actress? Bow chicka bow-wow! [smack] Ow-bow-ow… Vic: Ladies and gentlemen, Reds and Blues, chicos and chicas, it’s been fun, but as an old bald British dude once said: “all good things must come to an end”. Y’know, I keep thinking back to this whole multiverse thing. If there’s REALLY an infinite number of parallel universes, then that means there’s probably an infinite number of stories out there that still need to be told. Maybe some of them are funny. Maybe some of them are sad. Maybe some of them start off LOOKING funny, but then totally hit you with the bait-and-switch, and get you all sad. I dunno. After all, I’m just one of an infinite number of Vics, which is exactly why I’m here. Why I’ve been guiding you this entire time. To open a window. To open your EYES to the truth. As long as there’s stories, there needs to be storytellers. And THAT, is where YOU come in. Tell your story, dude or dudettes! It could be one in a billion others, but it’ll be yours. Make it about the Reds. Make it about the Blues. Heck, make it about some other group of soldiers that no-one ever heard about until YOU told them. Show us villains that tell themselves their heroes. Build entire worlds brick-by-brick! Teach the galaxy about friendship! But whatever you do, DON’T. STOP. Because a universe without stories… well, that’s just empty space, amigo. Allllright well that does it for me, I’m out! 555-V-I-C-K signing off! Don’t call me, I’ll call you!