Sarge: Gentlemen. As I’m sure you know, today is a special day. Thanksgiving. Grif: Awesome! When do we eat? Sarge: I thought that since today is an honored tradition, it would be appropriate to recreate the spirit of that original momentous day. Grif: Okay, we get it, less talking more eating. Sarge: Unfortunately it’s been almost a thousand years now since the first Thanksgiving, so some of the little details have been lost to history. Grif: Yeah, okay. Now can we eat!? Sarge: But using the power of the internet, I was able to read a bunch of historical documents on the holiday,… which for some reason were all authored by first-graders, and accompanied by drawings of their favorite Thanksgiving Day food: severed human hands, that have been colored and dressed to look like birds. Simmons: What? Grif: Okay, uh, I’m not hungry anymore. Simmons: Saaarge, people didn’t eat hands, they ate turkey. Little kids just drew turkeys by tracing their fingers. Grif: Where did he get the hands? Sarge: Why would they do that? Turkeys look nothing like hands! Simmons: Because they’re kids. I don’t know, their teacher probably told them to do it. Grif: Seriously, where did he get the hands? Sarge: Well that’s just ridiculous! Why would a teacher tell them that? Hand-shaped turkeys; it’s no wonder we lost the literacy wars! Grif: Where did he get the hands!? Sarge: I’ll bet all their other historical documents are wrong too. Simmons: You mean your online six year old historians might be wrong? Yeah, you might want to fact-check. What did they say? Sarge: I found another historian who said Thanksgiving was the day when all the Pokemons taught the Jedis how to grow crops. Simmons: No. Thanksgiving’s the day the Settlers and Natives sat down at a table and shared a harvest meal together. That’s why I took the liberty of inviting our mortal enemies, the Blues, to sit down with us today. Caboose: Hello. Simmons: Or just, the Blue. Since there’s only one of them left. Sarge: Heh heh. Excellent plan, Simmons. Invite ’em to dinner, then shoot ’em in the back. Classic holiday gotcha. Simmons: Sarge, that’s not the spirit of Thanksgiving. Well, you know not until years later at least. Sarge: No shooting in the back? Worst. Dinner party. Ever. Simmons: We all brought dishes from our culture. Sarge, you brought your… awful, hand thing- Caboose: Oh man I totally love those. Simmons: Grif you brought …individually wrapped snack cakes and cheese dip. Grif: The traditional fare of my people. Simmons: And, I prepared a customary Native American meal of: maize. Yum. Grif: Awesome! What’s maize? Simmons: It’s like corn-
Grif: Yes! Simmons: But totally inedible.
Grif: Dammit. Wait, that means un-eatable, right? Simmons: Yes.
Grif: Dammit. Simmons: What did you bring Caboose? Caboose: I brought my Grandmother’s famous hair pie! Sarge: Hubuwyuguh- huh? Caboose: My Grandmother said her hair pie, was a huge hit with the soldiers, so I knew that it would be perfect for today. Grif: That’s not- what? Caboose: When she was in college, she would give it to all the soldiers returning from war, and they loved it! It made her the most popular girl in town! She never told me the recipe though, so I had to make some guestimates. Sarge: Son, I think we need to have a talk about the culinary arts. And probably some other stuff that you should already know about. Caboose: Okay I love talking. *starts talking to Sarge* Simmons: *sigh* Look at them together. That’s the true Thanksgiving spirit. Grif: I think I’m gonna go lie down, and then throw up. Simmons: Which is also, another big part of Thanksgiving. Way to go, Grif.
Caboose:*off screen* I dreampt about that the other night. Sarge: *said something to Caboose* Caboose: What!? Grandma, no! Sarge: And don’t even get me started on the gobble gobble.