Alright, we have… Sonic… What the fuck? He’s regular. NO! I don’t want this guy! Holy fuck! Spin! SPIN! I’m in the fucking Matrix. What is this? Fucking Sonic or Tron… Yeah. This is uh… Oh that went swimmin- I win! I won the- ohp, nope. Didn’t fucking start yet. Uh, I don’t know why everyone else fucking tore off ahead of me. How the fuck- WHY AM I IN 12TH?! Go faster! All I gotta do is lean! I’m leaning SLOWLY? Is that what you’re telling me? Got the fucking “C”! We’re fucking rolling in coins and “C”s! GET OFF THE WALL, IDIOT! I’m fucking jerking off? Is that what I’m doing? Everyone is ju- WHAT ARE THESE HAND MOTIONS? I’M TRYING TO JUST FUCKING SURF ON THIS STUPID THING! IT’S NOT FUCKING DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION! Why am I flinging my fucking arms all over the place?! Jesus Christ! Get the bubble! GET THE AIR BUBBLE. YOU’RE GONNA DROWN! I GOT TO HOLD ONE FUCKING HAND BEHIND MY BACK, SO THE SECOND ONE DOESN’T FUCK IT UP OH THE LEFTY’S FUCKING FIGHTING RIGHTY! AM I EVER GONNA GET BACK TO THE FUCKING GAME?! This is the stupidest fucking system ever. You have to fucking SPIN it! Check out the fucking Options. Wanna check out Character Select? Fucking spin away! I can’t lean to the right! He just doesn’t have it in him! I’m eating the fucking microphone! I can’t get any more right, shitnugget! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? YOU SON OF A WHORE! Just fucking… Blowing up, just blowing up! Fucking blue bomber over here! Ahh, just fucking slam right into this wall… ‘Cause you know if fucking getting my ass kicked isn’t enough, I love to be out of BREATH and feel like I’m gonna have a fucking stroke while I’m playing a video game. Can I also point out that I’m about 19 fucking feet from the television? So, Sonic is about the size of a fucking ant. Like this how fucking stupid I am. I’m SWIMMING with my arms, even though the game isn’t telling me to do so, because I’m HOPING that it will make me go a little bit fucking faster. It didn’t! Yeah, I- already signed in! Why would I do this! (Sighs) My God, we already fucking did this! Do you seriously have to this before every fucking race? HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT? Come on! Jerk it off! Jerk it off! (x2) Jerk it off (x3) Jerk it off (x4) Jerk it off (x5) Jerk it off (x6) Oh, I got hit by a fucking piranha plant! Goomba! Goomba! Look at the map! It’s a fucking pool rack. Why the hell is the map a pool rack? I just don’t know how to catch up here, Like, I can’t LEAN, I’m crouchin’, my fucking knees are about to be blown out, I’m like a fucking 90 year old woman with arthritis, and I can tell that it’s gonna get cold, ’cause my bones are aching, and everyone’s like “Shut up, Grandma! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Well, lo and behold, Grandma takes a fucking dive! Her knees go out, And then BOOM! Fucking catastrophic winter! Throw it! Throw it, John Madden! Throw it, John Madden! (x2) I get fucking doo doo on my face? Who the hell is-(Stammers) Fucking- Who’s throwing shit? Oh oh, fucking photo finish! 10th place! You know, if I LEAN to the right or I LEAN to the left? It would be great if HE ACTUALLY FUCKING LEANED THAT MY GODDAMN DIRECTION! You STUPID FUCK!