[Rage Quit intro theme] Gavin: Hey, I thought I was in charge of the mouse. Michael: Uh, fuckin’ look FORWARD, Gavin, so I can walk! Gavin: Is that–? That’s a fence. Michael: That’s a fuckin’ fence. Turn around! Gavin: Hold on, hold on. Wha-? Well, who put my torch down?! Michael: It’s a f- It’s- Are we gonna start with this again?! Gavin: It’s not flashing! Michael: IT’S A FUCKING FLASHLIGHT! WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION IN ALAN WAKE, FOR GOD’S SAKES! IT’S NOT A FUCKING TORCH! You want to look around at all, so we can-? Gavin: So, is there like a compass or- Which way is it? Is it just- Michael: I don’t know which way it is! That’s the whole point of the game! We gotta find the fuckin’ paper! Gavin: Well, how did we get here? I didn’t see a car or anything! Okay, let’s go between– oop– Okay…nope. Michael: Fuckin’ walking along staring at the ground looking for fuckin’ paper in the woods. Gavin: Oh, there’s a cricket! Is that a clue? Michael: Dude, we’re gonna fuckin’ find paper somewhere. Gavin: Dude…what are we gonna do once we’ve got 8 pages? We gonna read it? Maybe it’s a flipbook. Michael: Yeah, maybe it draws a picture of me shooting you in the head. [Gavin chuckles] Gavin: Kind of weird if that’s what it was. Glad I spent the whole night in the woods for that. I know what we should do. Stop walking. Michael: Yeah? Gavin: Let’s wait for twenty-f– Let’s wait for twelve hours. Michael: Shut up, you idiot! Gavin: The sun will come up! Michael: IT’S NOT SKYRIM, YOU FUCKIN’ MORON! Gavin: Oh, it’s an open area! We’re onto something here. So I guess because I’m steering the mouse and you’re doing the keyboard… Michael: Yeah? Gavin: …it’s the equivalent of you giving me a piggy-back in the woods. [Weird Gavin noises] Michael [sighing]: Oh my God, I hate you. Michael: God, this would be fuckin’ exciting if we could find one piece of fuckin’ paper. Gavin: Should I be looking up more? Or is it– Michael: It’s not IN THE FUCKIN’ TREE. THEY’RE ON THE TREE, LIKE THE TREE TRUNK! Gavin: Alright– Michael: You can’t climb trees! Gavin, you can fucking walk and look around in this game. They’re not gonna be up in the Goddamn trees. Gavin: A-Alright, chill. What’s this? A plane? What is it? Is this a plane? Michael: I don’t think it’s a fuckin’ plane. It looks like a tank or something. Gavin: It doesn’t help that the sunlight is on the screen, and you’ve got fingerprints all over your screen. Michael: Don’t fuckin’ bitch about my– AHHH [Excited shouting] Michael: Okay, we got it! Okay.
Gavin: “Don’t look, or it…” Gavin: That’s– That’s terrifying. Michael: Well, just shut up and pick it up, stupid. It looks like you drew that, you moron. Gavin: I can’t stop looking at it.
Michael: Fucking scribblings of a fucking two-year-old child. Gavin: What do I do with it?
Michael: Click the mouse, for God’s sakes, and take it! Gavin: Aahh!
Michael: Fuckin’ God. Now get the fuck outta– [Deep rumbling noises]
Michael: Oh, shit.
Gavin: What was that? [Deep rumbling noises continue] Gavin: What’s that noise?
Michael: That’s the ominous music of you– Gavin: AHHHH! What’d I do? Michael: You turned the fuckin’ flashlight off. Gavin: Oh. Uh, I didn’t know you could do that. Gavin: Now it’s a flashlight! Ohh-ohh! Strobe!
Michael: Oh my God… Michael: FUCKING STOP!! Gavin: We’re back! Okay.
Michael: Got the flashlight? [SCARY PIANO CHORD]
Michael: OHH!! What the fuck was that? [Static noises]
Gavin: What is–? [Both scream (loudly)] Michael: YOU RUN AWAY, YOU IDIOT!!
[Gavin still screaming] Michael: Good job running away there, Gavin. Michael: We got one– We got one piece of paper…
Gavin: What the hell??! Michael: …took twelve fuckin’ minutes. Gavin: I don’t want to play this. This is scary! Gavin [giggling]: That is terrifying! D’you see that? Michael: YES, I saw it!! Gavin: Okay. God! My heart is POUNDING! So, if we stand still, then is he gonna– Michael: You have to RUN AWAY! You were like, “OHH! THERE HE IS! LET’S STAND STILL!!!”
Gavin [incredulous]: WHAT?! Gavin: Why’re you telling me to run?! I’m just holding the torch! You’ve got the legs! Michael: You have to LOOK in the direction to run away, Gavin! I can’t run away when you’re staring at him, fucking asking him out for brunch. [Gavin chuckling] “A fucking spot o’ tea out by Big Ben?” Gavin: So, if I just turn off the light when we see him, and then we just walk away? Let’s practice walking in the dark. Michael: You’re looking at a tree. Gavin: Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
Michael: Thanks. Michael: Wait, was that it? Right there! To your right. Right there. Gavin: Okay, okay. Okay, this is what we’re gonna do. Stop moving. Michael: I’m stopped! For fuck’s sakes, let’s go!
Gavin: Alright, alright, alright…. Gavin: So we’re gonna haul asshole in this direction, and I’m gonna grab it and then turn the torch off. Gavin: Okay, ready?
Michael: It’s a flashlight. Yes. Gavin: We can make it flash if you want. Ready? Gavin: RUNNN!!
Michael: Go go go GO GO GO! [Deep rumbling begins]
Michael [snickering]: Why are you flashing it?
Gavin [snickering]: Disco! Disco! Michael: You’re looking at the ground.
Gavin: I don’t want to look him in the eye. That’s why. Michael: He’s BEHIND us!
Gavin: Is he? Michael: Yeah, he’ll always be behind you.
Gavin: Oh! Well, fuck, let’s go then! Michael: Don’t run towards the thing that has the glowing eyes and fucking eats you? Gavin: Ah! Oh! I got turned around! Did we turn around? Okay, it’s scary if you put both ears on your headphones. I was only using one. Michael: Dude, I only use one ear half the time. Gavin: You use half the ears…half the time? Is he like– If we stand still, is he gonna take us? Michael: Probably. Gavin: Alright, this is…. …MOVE! Michael: We found ONE page! There’s EIGHT!! For fuck’s sakes! Gavin: Alright, we’re going back this way now.
Michael: How are you supposed to fucking find anything? [SCARY PIANO CHORD]
[Michael and Gavin screaming] Michael: HOLY SHIT!! Michael: RUUUUNNNN!!!!
Gavin: AAAHHHHHHH!!!! Michael: GO! GO GO GO GO!! Gavin: WHERE AM I?! AHHH!!
Michael: OH MY GOD!! Gavin: I SAW HIM!!
Michael: I SAW HIM!! [More incoherent screaming] Michael: GAVIN, STOP FUCKING WITH THE MOUSE!! Gavin: We got this.
Michael: Holy shit, she’s like breathing heavy because she’s gonna get FUCKED UP. Michael: Holy crap!
Gavin: UGH! [Deep rumbling is still going]
Gavin: Is he a giant? Why’s he- Why are his footsteps so big? Michael: Let’s fuckin’ stop and ask him. [Quiet static noises] [Static noises]
Michael: Oh, run away. Run away. That’s a bad sound.
Gavin: Yeah, that’s a bad sound. Michael: Turn the light on. Run away. Gavin [giggling]: It was getting all crackly. It’s like he was right there. Michael: You’re fuckin’ like pissin’ yourself in your seat! Gavin: Well, it’s probably because I need to poo, and I don’t want to overdo it. Michael: Well you’re gonna poo your pants. I hope you fucking SHIT yourself in this video. Gavin: Alright, let’s– Wait, tease it. Like, walk back and look around because I don’t want to have to turn– Michael! Micool! Go f-further back– Walk backwards! Michael: Ohh, it’s static-y. Grab it and run!
Gavin: OHHH! OHHH!! Michael: Run!! RUN!!!
Gavin: OOHHH MY–! Michael: Will you fucking stop?! That is a STROBE light, not a FLASHlight, you idiot! Gavin: Are we walking towards him? Michael: I don’t know! I can’t see! Look around! Gavin: What d’you mean look around?! I don’t want–
Michael: Look around, and then– [Static noises]
Gavin: OHHHH!!!! Michael: Fucking CHRIST!! We’re at the tree! Why did I give you the mouse? Why do– Why are you controlling where we look? Gavin: Uhh… Michael: I feel like you should’ve been in charge of like the fuckin’ pen or something. [Gavin laughing] Gavin: I should’ve been in charge of reading the note. I’m less scared now. I feel like– So looking at him doesn’t do anything? Michael: I guess– Well, I dunno. Gavin: Or does he actually have to get near you? Michael: I don’t– You– Every time we see him you go, “OHHH!!” I fuckin’– I couldn’t tell you. Gavin: I’m just not learning anything from our experiences with him. Michael: We are not fucking finding *shit*. These fuckin’ pages are barren like fuckin’ Gavin’s sex life. How big is this fuckin’ forest?! FUCK! Fuckin’– Will you look around?! You’re just looking str– All I’m doing is walking, we’re getting to the fence, and then you’re turning left. That’s what we’ve been doing for ten fuckin’ minutes. Gavin: That’s how you solve a maze is you keep going left! Michael: You gotta go through the MIDDLE of it to find the fuckin’ notes, not dance around the perimeter… …fuckin’ the fence the entire God damn time! Gavin: Oh, I guess that only works in mazes and not woods. Michael: We’re– We’re gonna find all the fuckin’ papers when you’re staring straight at the fuckin’ ground– Gavin: Well, sorry, but there’s only trees in front of us. Michael: THAT’S WHERE THE PAGES ARE!! Michael: They’re in front of us!
Gavin: We haven’t found a single page on a tree, you donut! Michael: Well, we found them up high in front of us– Gavin: Well I can’t see because you’re hand is in front of the screen– Michael: Well, I’ll fuckin’ put my hand in front of your fuckin’ face when I shove my fist down your fuckin’ throat… Michael: …and then I put my foot up your ass.
Gavin: At least I’ll still be able to see if it’s down my throat. Gavin: Actually, your elbow would be in front of my eyes, wouldn’t it? Never mind. Michael: What is this? Oh, those are tikis.
Gavin: Oh, this seems– This is the second woods. Michael: Yeah, like fuckin’ New Game Plus.
Gavin: Or totem poles around here. Gavin & Michael: OHH!! BAM! Gavin: Boom! “Can’t run”? Well that’s not good! [ANOTHER SCARY PIANO CHORD]
Gavin & Michael: AHH!! Michael: JESUS! [Gavin and Michael screaming, static gets louder] Michael: HE LET GO OF THE MOUSE!! YOU FUCKING DROPPED THE MOUSE AND JUMPED AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!! Gavin: IT WAS SCARY! OI, WHERE’S HIS FACE?!