So this is Rage Quit Goat Simulator and I’m sure you know exactly what I’m gonna play. what you wanna do to start this torture…is you wanna go to Goatville because that’s where your nightmare begins…in Goatville. You wanna head towards Hellvet, but then make a right and uh, pass this piece of shit and oh my god it’s Coffee Stain Studios! Hey these’re the amazing guys–YOU FUCKS! YOU did this to me. And here we have the amazing, uh, internet sensation…fuckin’ Flappy Goat. First thing’s first, you need to clear the sh–fuckin’ SHIT. Distractions! All of you! Beat it! Guy? Guy? So help me god, get the FUCK down from there. So this piece of shit, if you haven’t heard, is Flappy Goat! Now what it is is a bastardized version of the other piece of shit, Flappy Bird! And you fuckin’ flap your way through the rings, look it’s great! So the goal with this turd is to get through ten FUCKing rings, (Muttering) F– Oooh… because there’s, uh…there’s an achievement! (Strained laughter) But getting through ten is a fucking pain in the ASS, actually. I’ve– I’ve played this a LOT on several occasions, which is how I’m– I’m just actually getting points but…I think– you motherfucker. I think the highest I’ve got is maybe a siiix…? Maybe? I think I dreamed about it once. So the– the control is great it’s– it’s not delayed at all and it does– it definitely– it’s very responsive. And doesn’t at all do whatever the hell it wants. That’s… That’s not true at all! I fuckin’– I almost– Well, I did fuck it up. I looked at a bird that flew outside the window. Of the– of the game, not of Flappy Goat. Of the FIRST game, not the second game. They still have shit flyin’ around in the background. There’s the fuckin’ PLANE– NO, THE HANG GLIDER! THE FUCKIN’ HANG GLIDER KILLED ME! FUCK! Can I– Can I not– Okay, too close. How do I–? I need to block out the outside world. Okay? Is this– How’s this?
(Character talking in background) Shut up. Whoever’s talking, shut up. I just– I missed the Y button that time. I went to push it and I FUCKING MISSED! I MISSED THE BUTTON! What if I– Maybe don’t look at the obstacles, does this help? Is this helping– OOOH GOD! (Voice accidentally cracks) If I clear it like this– (Purposefully cracks voice) If I clear it like this! I’m amazing! Does the goat not have any fucking EYES? I didn’t even NOTICE that! What kinda crazy shit is that?! Gotta keep your cool. That’s– that’s definitely the technique to this game, is to not let it frustrate you. Uh, you’re gonna die a lot, you’re gonna fail a lot but, if you get the system down if you get it down…you’re liable to get better, you’re DEFINITELY gonna get better aaand you just wanna– you wanna don’t– GAHHH! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! (Stressed breathing) Right there, right there. Lo– what am I touching?! What am I touching there?! “You lost”?! You touched the AIR! WHAT KINDA FUCKIN’ HIT DETECTION IS THAT SHIT? Holy SHIT I fuckin’ made it– Okay, well… And again, AGAIN! FUCKIN’ LEMME HIT SOMETHIN’ BEFORE YOU KILL ME! You know you go to the boardwalk? And you play that ring-toss game where they got all the bottles? And it’s like y– “dude, just ONE red ring, just ONE red ring on the fuckin’ thing and you win aaany stuffed animal, you win the fuckin’ BIG one, the…SMALL one– I dunno why you’d TAKE it but you WON it the super-large one–” But you can’t get it on the fuckin’ rings! They just bounce around! Okay?! It’s like Coke bottles are fucking aeronamically designed to NOT catch red rings! And that’s Flappy Goat! It fuckin’ SUCKS, it’s like a demon! WHY? Why would you do it?! It’s like the piece of shit at the ring stand, the guy working there is the piece of shit and you hate him but now I’M that guy! I’m the guy working AT the stand AND throwing the rings! I hate MYSELF! AHHH! YOU HAVE– AHHH! You have to start every time by tapping the Y button a bunch if you hit the Y button and don’t immediately press it again, you will fall to your death. So a lot of times I don’t do that, but THEN, I do it too MUCH and you SLAM YOUR FUCKIN’ HEAD INTO THE FUCKIN’ CEILING! A fuckin’ leaf just flew by, and it looked like it was in the house how does that even HAPPEN? The windows are CLOSED! WHO BROUGHT THE FUCKIN’ LEAF IN? GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE! There’s like TWO SHITTY SONGS LAYERED OVER EACH OTHER. The– the delightful wackiness of Goat Simulator, soundtrack, is RUINED by THIS, by what you’re making me do! And then on TOP of it, it the g– it sounds like the GAME, HAS IT’S OWN SOUNDTRACK WHILE…THE OTHER SOUNDTRACK’S GOING! IT’S– WH– WHY?! WHY IS IT SO HARD? EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GAME IS EASY AS SHIT, IF YOU LOOK AT THE ACHIEVEMENTS IT’S CRAZY! IT’S CRAZINESS! IT’S LIKE, FUCKIN’, ACHIEVEMENTS SMORGASBORD! IT’S LIKE THE GOLDEN CORRAL FOR ACHIEVEMENTS! THEY’RE JUST GIVIN’ ‘EM OUT THEY’RE HANDIN’ ‘EM AWAY, fuckin’ “achievements!” “Achievements!” It’s like Oprah! “YOU get an achievement, YOU get an achievement, YOU get an achievement!” AND AT FUCKIN’ FLAPPY GOAT! WHY D’YA ADD THAT?! THAT’S– IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! YOU SON OF A BITCH! It’s like you’re the ONE guy on the fuckin’ jury that’s like, “no!” “No! I won’t– he DID it, I won’t– quit!” And it’s like the– “fine! Fine, we’ll compromise. We’ll add Flappy Goat.” WHY YOU GOTTA DO IT?! YOU SON OF A BITCH! The more I concentrate the worse I do! It’s terrible! It– The game KNOWS what I’m looking at! I gotta play like this, like “what? yeah, I’m not even– I’m not even looking at you game. Oh did I get– did I get s…oh. Oh my god I got ten? That’s crazy. I guess I’ll take the achievement, woooah, it’s so weird.” I don’t need this…I don’t need this, but I need this fucking achievement. AND! THE BEST PART! THE FUCKING BEST PART! I’m gonna fuckin’– if I ever do it, do it again on the 360 ’cause I hate myself THAT MUCH! WHY?! NO! Okay, come on. C– AAAAAH! It didn’t go! It didn’t go! Like that time I hit it and he went “nah” and he just fell, he got tired. Motherfucker. Seven. SEVEN. SEVEN! COME ON! Uh– aaaw (whines). I’m SCARED to play this GAME now! It got to the point where I was just– I was in the– I was– I had the rhythm down, I was just tappin’ it i’m…terrified now every time I see a gate. Like, a little bit of shit comes outta my ass. What’re ya doin’ dude? What are you doing? Remember 8? Remember 9? Do you REMEMBER that shit? That was TODAY. That was YOU buddy. That happened, goat. That was YOU. And what’re ya doin’ NOW? What’re ya DOIN’? NOTHIN’! You’re makin’ a fuckin’ FOOL outta me– There ya go some positive-negative reinforcement’s all we need! Oh my god, get in there! NOOO! NOOO! YOU FUCK! If you like that shit, click this shit. Shit…like his butt. And if you like this cock, click his cock for more caca.