[MUSIC PLAYING] ‘Sup, y’all? [APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] It’s Monday. Yeah. Ya’ll nigga’s
supposed to be at work. What the fuck you doing here? Yeah. That is an excellent question. How many y’all cutting
work right now? [CHEERING] Man.
I respect you. – I see you up top.
– You know what I’m sayin’ Respect him.
Make good choices. Think about it. You might get fired, but then
you’d be like, oh, at least I was seeing Desus
and Mero live. Know what I’m saying? It was worth it. Your lawyer– your landlord’s
like, yo, where’s the rent? You be like, nah, them
niggas is wild funny. Nah. I got– you need–
you take clout bucks? Wow, what a surprise. [CHEERING] Wow, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that’s a topic
to start the show on. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, you know? [LAUGHS] Yeah, no,
I mean, you know. He was obviously like,
[MUTTERING] look at your mans. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Do you think any
celebrity’s going to be all like, yo, free the homie. – Yo.
– Y’all, what if– Who’s going to be the
first asshole to come out and be like, yo, free my guy? Yo, they going to put Harvey
Weinstein on T-shirts and shit. Like y’all. Free Tony Yayo T-shirts! So Weinstein’s face on it? Yo, ya’ll can’t do that. But somebody will.
Watch. I will. And we’ll be talking
about it on Thursday. – Yeah.
– [LAUGHS] Can’t wait. Celebrities don’t let us down. Yeah! Ja Rule, what you
doing right now? [LAUGHTER] Fyre Fest two. Oh. Take a break, dog. Fyre Fest at Vancortland Park. [LAUGHS] That nigga got no
place, just a vision board. Like, yo, we got
water and shorties. [LAUGHTER] This’ll be crazy. Opening act Sum 41. Yo. Sum 41. [LAUGHTER] Talk cartoon goss? Cartoon goss– wow. You’re one of the good ones! I seen this. The normally harmless
“Peanuts” account tweeted, “You are one of the good ones.” And it was like, yo, they
show the only black character. Fucked up. See? But don’t even worry about
that, because “Peanuts”– this is a cry for
help from “Peanuts.” Take it back. ‘Cause look at this. Charlie Brown and Franklin,
they look exactly alike. Mm-hmm. That nigga’s got
the same father! Yeah, they do! [LAUGHTER] Yeah, they do! Yeah they do! Charlie– Charlie
caught the recessive gene. Think about it, right? Right, he don’t got
the golden locks. That might be the
mother’s fault. [LAUGHTER] Think about why is
Franklin always around? Because, you know, if you’ve
got two kids, you feel bad. You’re like, “Go play
with your little brother.” [LAUGHTER] Damn. And you never seen
Charlie Brown’s father. You only hear the noises.
– [PEANUTS NOISES] ‘Cause that’s them fighting,
because when he come home they were like like,
[PEANUTS NOISES] “Where the fuck you been?” He’s like, no, nah. I got to compartmentalize
this trauma. Even his face,
he just realized. And he was like, oh, shit.
– Wow. See?
Y’all open your third eye. Damn. “Peanuts” is all about
childhood trauma, y’all. Yeah. – Y’all don’t even know that.
– You know what? Charlie– Snoopy’s
not even around. Look at this. You put my man on the other
side of the table with no food. Like one– Not even a– not even a hard chair. He got a folding chair. Give my man a lawn chair. They was like, yo, yo, go get
the shit from out the shed. Damn. Go ahead, Franklin. Even a dog got a chair. Yo. Yo. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You know what? The dog got the chef hat on. That means the dog cooked. Maybe Franklin knew. Franklin was like,
you know what– Franklin was like,
yo, my other family be on some bullshit. Yeah, you know. Maybe on some
white people shit. [LAUGHS] And then they apologized. “Earlier today a tweet
from this account, featuring an image of two
friends, was misinterpreted. As this was not the intended
message of this post, it has been deleted so
as not to perpetuate an inaccurate interpretation. The post was meant as a
celebration of friendship.” We’re not racist, I promise you. Oh right. Yo, whoever runs that, they
could have– they could have doubled down on this
so hard and be like, yo, you guys misread it. It was the other way around. It was Franklin telling Charlie
that he’s one of the good ones. That’s what I would have done. That’s what your dumb assess– you open your third eye.
– Yeah. Jerks. Who’s the racist now? Yeah, who’s racist now, dummy? Draw four, wild. [LAUGHTER] The color is I don’t care,
because I don’t see color. Nice. Doesn’t matter if you’re
green, orange, purple, yellow– we just see color.
– That’s right. No, we just see
the human race. That’s right, man. And you can’t stack reverses. [LAUGHTER] Look at Franklin
like, damn, bro. Because– Yeah, there’s no, there’s
no black barbershops in the Peanut world? [LAUGHTER] Yo, he got the– yo, wow. He got a S-curl.
Damn. Damn, dog. Franklin might
be Dominican, dog. Yikes. You’re one of the good ones. Well, his name is Franklin,
that is a very Dominican name. Damn. That’s Dominican as fuck. How you say
peanuts in Dominican? [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH]? How do you say
Snoopy in Spanish. El Snoopy. [LAUGHTER] I’m learning, I’m learning. [SPEAKING SPANISH] [LAUGHS] You’re one of the good ones! [LAUGHS] That should be– Charlie
Brown be like, thanks. I’m woke. Also, what’s the
deal with Pig Pen? He just constantly has,
like, dirt around him? Like no one called
children services? Nobody. Nobody. If your kid got a whirlwind
of dirt around him, like– But then you–
but then you call child services,
and they pick up, they’re like [PEANUTS NOISE]. You’re like, you know what?
Fuck off. –discuss that. Unseasoned goss. Oh, shit. What’s this?
– Oh, shit. “Friends” reunion. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. “Friends” reunion special
officially a go at HBO Max. Yo. Yeah. You want to maximize
your waste of your time. [LAUGHTER] A waste of your time– I remember I was
in the barber shop, and, like, my homie
was like, yo, my nigga, I can’t for that
“Friends” reunion. Yo, nigga what? Nigga, remember we used to be
up at Central Perk all the time? Yo. Yo, let’s fuck with
that nigga Shandler. You know what I’m saying?
That’s my guy right there. You know what I mean? That’s the god. [LAUGHTER] Isn’t that his name? Chandler. We put a loose– Can I be honest? I’ve never seen any– I’ve never seen an
episode of “Friends.” I’ve seen stills. All the white people
are gassed right now. They’re like, you’ve
never, not once? Never. [LAUGHS] Like, I’ve never
seen past, like, them the fountain because
I was like, this is stupid. All my “Friends”
references come from GIFs, and from them having
a theme song that was on VH1. There’s not even that many
GIFs ’cause the show was aight, it was mid at best. [LAUGHTER] Mm. [LAUGHTER] What? [LAUGHS] Y’all know it’s
Black History Month. I can talk like that. [LAUGHTER] There was no black friends. “Living Single.” The whole idea of “Friends”– No, I mean, like, there was
no black friend in “Friends.” There was no black friends,
but the whole idea of “Friends” was stolen from “Living Single,”
which was a much better show. Oh. [CLAPPING] [LAUGHS] We stan an ally. No. Bare minimum ally,
shout out to you. [LAUGHS] Also there a monkey
on the show, right? Who was on longer, the
monkey or the black woman? The monkey, right? Monkey almost got a spin-off. [LAUGHTER] With Tony Shalhoub. [LAUGHTER] Don’t, don’t
disrespect the god. [LAUGHTER] Monk and the monkey. [LAUGHS] (SINGING) Come
on, little monkey. Tony Shalhoub washing his hands. He’s like, he’s
like, you’re a primate. I can’t be around you. Yes. [LAUGHS] Yeah. “Monk” was a much better show. Try to figure us out. Try to figure this out. You can’t. “Monk” was about like– where’s Tony Shalhoub from? Uh, he’s Algerian I believe? Lebanese. So it’s about a brown guy
that’s nervous about germs. That’s me, bro. [LAUGHTER] You know what I’m saying. Shout out to Lebanon. Was “Monk” not
better than “Friends?” Wow. That seems racist, but,
you know, that’s on you. [LAUGHTER]
– What? You never watched “Monk”? [LAUGHTER] Should be writing your will. Why did you mention that? Now we’re going
to get, like, four more DVD packages to our house. [LAUGHTER] God dammit, Julia. Should have a
note on my window. No! Please, my are starving! I can’t open the door. I can’t find my kids
under these poker chips. [LAUGHS] What’s going on? I can’t even use these
in a real card game. That’s a Hollywood
joke, because for Emmy screeners,
whatever, you keep getting copies of different shows– Shit that you’ve already seen. They send you shit like– they’re like– I’ve got Netflix,
nigga, goddamn! [LAUGHTER] You don’t have to send
me a 40 pound box. They’re like,
vote, or we going to keep sending you stuff. [LAUGHS] Like the Suge Knight
of fucking Emmys. Yo. Fam. Yo, Jeff Bezos’ got a lot
of money for screeners. Caucuses? Yeah. Yo, “Bernie Sanders wins
Nevada by some show, solidifies front-runner status.” [LAUGHTER] “Bernie Sanders
wins Nevada, sol”– [MUTTERING] [LAUGHTER] “Bernie Sanders wins
Nevada and solidifies front-runner status.” Aight. Shout out to him. Bernie out here? Sander? [LAUGHTER] He Sandering? Yeah, he Sandering. [SINGING] How did he celebrate? Did he have after
party in Nevada? He’s like, oh,
it’s going to be lit. At the after party?
– Catch me at the Bellagio. Yo. Careful, I’ve got a– I’ve got a bungalow
out there, but we’re going to spirit first. So turn the fuck up.” It’s socialism, so your
girl is everyone’s girl. That’s right. [LAUGHTER] What does Bernie
Sanders drink? Warm milk? [LAUGHTER] A dash of cinnamon. [LAUGHTER] When he’s partying. He’s partying, drinking
mad like Parmalat and shit like [VOCALIZATION]. Probably like tonic
water, flavored seltzer. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. He’s like, I don’t want
them– look, no LaCroix. That’s just too fancy. Bring me, bring me the regular
stuff, the supermarket stuff. Yeah. Yeah. [INTERPOSING VOICES] –expose him. They’re like, he’s drinking
Whole Food regular seltzer. Oh my god. How dare he. He don’t go to Shop Rite. No, he didn’t party? He didn’t– He was doing rails
and shit after– He was in fountain and shit. With his shirt off
like, [SCREAMING].. Sanders gang. It’s fucking lit, yo. Bernie bro. Bernie bro, feel the Bern! [INHALING] Motherfucker! [EXHALE] I don’t, I don’t know
what Bernie Sanders that is. [LAUGHTER] That’s Bernie Sanders
from 198th in the Bronx. [LAUGHS] Yeah, Bernie
definitely smokes. Hell yeah. He’s too, he’s too chill. He was probably smoking
back in, like, the ’60s, ’70s? When marijuana was good. [LAUGHTER] This is trash. Before this
government garbage. Everything stepped on. [LAUGHTER] I was in a [INAUDIBLE] with
Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. [LAUGHS] That was some raw
shit right there. Jimi put acid
under his eyeballs. [LAUGHTER] Me too.
Right now. Don’t tell anybody. Bloomberg hasn’t
smoked shit ever. His humidifier maybe. [LAUGHS] Take a hit of the humidifier. [SNIFF] Yeah! Oh, my sinuses are so moist now. Can you imagine if
Bloomberg was high? He’d probably tell–
keep being like, yo, you know how rich I am?
– Yo. I’m so rich. Yo, yo let’s count my money. Yo, google my net worth. Google my net worth. Also he’s short, so you
have to keep reaching down and give him the blunt and shit. – Like, yo.
– Buzzkill. There you go, yo. Yo. Probably got small lungs. But yo, he’s– is
he actually 5′ 8″? Is he 5′ 8″ in real life,
or is he 5′ 8″ in risers? [LAUGHTER]
– Risers. Know what I’m saying?
[LAUGHTER] He’s Tinder 5′ 8″? Yeah. [LAUGHS] He look like 5′ 4″, though. Yeah. He might be stacked. He might be standing, he
might be standing on– You’re 5′ 6″? 3″? OK. Damn, you’re an inch
shorter than Mike Bloomberg? [LAUGHTER] Yo one-on-one! One-on-one basketball! Julia versus Mike right now! For all the money. Julia cocks it back
and dunks on him. If you get dunked on, you
gotta drop out the race. [LAUGHTER] Oh shit. Who else is in this shit? – Hm?
– Who else was in this shit. – Same people.
– Same people? Nobody dropped out?
– Same cast. No. Nobody, they didn’t write off
the Klobuchar character yet? [LAUGHTER] No? She’s just there. She’s just getting less lines.
– Yeah. I’m sorry.
What the fuck, bro? It’s like the third kid
in “Power,” like, yo, you really don’t exist. You’re always at your grandma. [LAUGHTER] [INTERPOSING VOICES] [LAUGHTER] She got her K2 like, yo, guys. What we need is
[SCREAMING] I don’t know. [LAUGHTER] Oh shit. You eat that salad
right now with a comb. [LAUGHTER] Allegedly. No, that shit
definitely happened. [LAUGHTER] Yo, what did Biden say? Did Biden say
anything hilarious? – He did kind of quietly.
– Yeah? They probably were just
like, old man, shut up. Yeah. No, it’s just him
like, where am I? It’s getting worse and worse. He’s just like, OK, where– is this a spelling bee? [LAUGHS] He’s been talking
about Obama a lot? Yeah. He was just like,
that’s the homie. Yeah, you have to. Got pictures of him
pointing at Obama like word. Yo, we in the club. Yo, “Presidential Volume
2, the Mixtape,” coming soon. You feel the vibe. You feel the vibes. In the studio with my guy. You know what I’m saying? He’s talking to
people, he was like, yo, I was talking to my friend
Barack the other day. That’s right. Wow, relax, Joe. That’s right, Barack H. Obama. Hold on, it’s my
home girl, Michelle. Yeah. Hey, how are the kids? I know their names. [LAUGHTER] Sasha and the other one. Yeah. Sasha and– Uh, Malia? [LAUGHTER] I think. The fuck y’all whispering
about back there, B? [LAUGHTER] And this the only show
you talk to the writers as if they like
fresh meat bookings. [LAUGHS] Like, yo, offer me your shoes. [LAUGHTER] Yo! Josh, what you in for? [LAUGHTER] Watching the Lakers squash
the Celtics over the weekend. But did you see Kemba
had on a Big Pun T-shirt? BX All Day.
– Respect. Shout out to him. ‘Cause, you know, it’s
annoying Bronx people. No matter where we
go, we have to let you know we’re from the Bronx.
– You know what I’m saying? You never asked, but we’re
still going to tell you. [LAUGHTER] Yo. That was me in Hawaii. People was like, oh my
god, have you been– I’m from the Bronx.
What’s up! Exactly. I was like, this shit cool. We got better waterfalls
in the Bronx, though. [LAUGHTER] Fuck that. Y’all got a rain forest? That’s cool. You haven’t been to Bay Plaza? That shit is super popping. They got a fountain now. Fuck that, nigga. Y’all want to see a show? [APPLAUSE] Yeah, let’s start the show. Yo, I thought
this was already it. [LAUGHS]