Geoff: Oh, hello there Greg: We didn’t see you come in
*laughter* Geoff: Hey what’s up I’m Geoff from Achievement Hunter, this is Greg from Kinda Funny and Tim from Kinda Funny Geoff: And this is Million Dollar Butts Geoff: Well since we are at Rooster Teeth and on my podcast set, I guess I’ll go first Geoff: Tim you get a million dollars Geoff: But, every time you masturbate, for the rest of your life, your mother gets a text Geoff: That just says Tim is masturbating, and 11:07, he finished Geoff: Maybe it also has location Geoff: Denny’s parking lot, sure Tim: It’s the more detail in it, that’s when I start to question it Geoff: Say your mom comes, where you live, and you go to the bathroom and see like Geoff: An In-Style magazine with like, Rachel McAdams on it Geoff: And suddenly she’s getting an alert and is like “Really? Really? I’m like seven feet away from you” Greg: Here’s what I want to add, she gets the message, she gets he was watching/reading whatever, Greg: And just a photo, of your face, as you came
Tim: That’s weird Tim: I don’t think my mom would even understand how to respond to it Tim: Because I see the way that my mom texts me now, I would love to see the emojis she sends to my cum face Geoff: So Greg, are you on board, are you going to masturbate, and let your mother know? Greg: Yes, a thousand percent yes. I- I always feel like, in these scenarios, I have a million dollars Greg: This million is the [unintelligible] Geoff: Tim? Are you gonna?
Tim: Hundred percent in Greg: I feel like we could do a kickstarter, for like, ten thousand dollars, and you would do it
Tim: Yeah Geoff: Yeah, I guess I… as long as my wife wasn’t on the list Tim: Ok guys. A million dollars, but everyday at some random point Tim: someone will pants you Greg: Oh no Tim: It could be anybody Tim: It could be the mail man
Geoff: Yeah Tim: It could be some little girl walking down the street *laughter*
Tim: Anybody Tim: At some point is gonna get those pants down Tim: See my thing thinking about it, I’m like, I really like Disneyland Tim: I don’t think that I could take it Tim: Based on that alone Geoff: What if you just like- you get up early one day at 5 to go for a jog, Geoff: And hopefully you get an early pantsing Geoff: And then you’re like “Today’s Disneyland day. I’m safe”
Tim: Oh ok Geoff: I’m in the clear Geoff: You don’t know for sure that they’re not gonna grab some elastic as well Greg: First time my pants get ripped down and my underwear come down, Greg: That’s when I throw ’em a curve and start wearing regular briefs under the boxer briefs Greg: You know what I mean? Tim: Like one of those Russian dolls
Greg: Exactly Greg: So here’s what I would do Greg: I would get boxer briefs in white, and have them all printed “I’m Sorry” Greg: Or, “This was for a million dollars” Greg: I’d proliferate my story, and then the world would kinda know Tim: So would you do it guys?
Greg: Fuck yes Greg: It’s a million dollars! Greg: I’ll take off my pants right now for free, you know what I mean? Tim: I don’t think I could do it. I like Disneyland too much, I couldn’t give that up. Geoff: I say we start the bidding- I’d do it for $500,000 Tim: Oh
Greg: Ooooooh hoo hoo! Greg: So. A million dollars, but Greg: One of your dead grandparents
Tim: Ooh… Greg: Comes back to life and hunts you for the rest of your life Greg: They are in intense pain the entire time Greg: Like, and they know the only way to end their suffering is to kill you Greg: They have no superpowers other than immortality Greg: You could put 3 rounds in their chest, they’re getting back up to keep coming after you Geoff: What- could you put Grandma in a cage? Greg: You could
Geoff: You’ve got a million dollars Greg: You could get- you could have the security team, they capture Grandpa Greg: They put him in the locked, padded room, lock the door, they have cameras on Greg: You still have to turn on the camera to see if he’s still in there Greg: And you hear him screaming. Greg: And just like “I’m in so much pain, I need to kill you!” Greg: But all he wants to do is go back to being dead Greg: What if Grandma or Poppy, they flip it on you, right? Greg: Where they’re aware of it eventually, so then they start telling you the pain’s gone Greg: And that they’re cool and they’ve figured this out and they want you to have a long life Greg: And then! They play the long game. Greg: And they give it a week. Where you’re slowly trusting them and playing solitaire
Geoff: Yeah, yeah. Greg: You’re putting puzzles together Greg: And then one day they come in for the kiss or whatever and just “Gah!” right in your neck, rip it out Greg: And they’re like “Finally sweet release!” Tim: So they just go straight for the gullet with the teeth Greg: Shit, I never even thought about the fact that they are old Greg: They’re probably gonna gum you to death, they can’t even bite through Greg: I’m thinking like PSI of a human-
Tim: Dude we’re fine! We’re fine. Geoff: I’m just- You had 87 great years.
Greg: Exactly Geoff: It’s my turn.
Greg: Gimme another 50 of you being in blinding pain where you can’t sleep, it’s a living Hell Greg: But I have a lot of money and I can buy all these Playstations [Growl] Geoff: It’ll really make you think about all your purchases Geoff: Alright boys, thanks for uh drinking some beers with me Geoff: And uh, thanks for watching this Geoff: Uhh, if you’d like to watch another Million Dollar Butts Geoff: Wouldn’t recommend it, but you could Geoff: Probably should go to KindaFunny.com
They’re… kinda funny. Yeah Geoff: And don’t watch any of my stuff