Gavin: So, I tried to do another PG one… Burnie: Well I’m sure this will turn out well for us, Gavin. Gavin: Yeah, and I failed. Burnie: HEYYYYY!!! Everybody look who’s here this week: it’s Kerry
Kerry: Hello! Let’s jump into it – who wants to go first?
Gavin? Got a good one? I’ll take it! Burnie: Alright, let’s do it! Gavin: You got a million bucks, but for the rest of your life… …Every time you climax… …Nothing comes out. Maybe just like a [poof] of air… Burnie: So you can’t have kids!? …But…
[Mixure of groans and laughter] Gavin:…An hour later it comes out. [Gushing Sound Effect] So say you wake up, you bang one out in the shower You get to work, you’re getting to your meal and then [Overcompensating Sound Effect]
Ughhhhh! [laughter] You just cream your pants? You just cream them at your desk. [Kerry groans] You could buy like, extra small condoms And just put a condom on – Go ahead?!!
Extra small condoms? What are these? Kerry: Like when you’re doing it at your desk you’re like, You know and it’s just like – UGH! Done. Like, you’re just like, “that’s it!”
You know? Honestly, that is the most sensible way around that, I think. Burnie: Except, you’re being given a million dollars to then go up to the pharmacy for the rest of your life and ask, “Where do you keep your extra small condoms, sir?” Kerry: I just believe that maybe you just pull out the money wad and you’re just like, “There.” [laughter] It would get to the point where people are really suspicious if you’re like getting up in the middle of the day at work Gavin: “I should probably take a showe-” [moan] I’d do it! A million bucks!? Kerry: I’d do it, yeah Burnie: You would take that?! Yeah Yeah, a million bucks. I…. I would probably do it I would just do bar bets Like, “Just wait, just watch” See i’m just picture us sat at a bar with your penis out Kerry: “Any second now guys, seriously, were down to the minute.” [Sound FX]
Burnie: No [laughter] I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t Gavin: “Ladies?” [laughter] Burnie: I’m with Kerry, we’re both a million dollars richer Burnie: My scenario this week, is that you get a million dollars The caveat is that Any time you use an object from that point, the entire time you use the object: it says its name. Like a pencil will say: “Pencil, pencil, pencil” As you write Burnie: And then, because you’re writing on paper, the paper would also be telling you, “Paper, paper paper.” Gavin: How would you be getting anything done!? Yeah and headphones would be worthless! Gavin: Yeah, you want to listen to music “iPhone.” “Headphones.” “iPhone.” “Headphones.” “Wire.” Would they be saying it the whole time? Or is it just like, [imitating revving sounds]
“Caaaaaar, caaaaar”? Burnie: It’ll say it in a voice that’s very appropriate for the object as well. So like when you’re in bed, that’ll be a tough one because you’d be like, [Cacophony of] “Pillow.” “Mattress.” “Headboard.” “Pillow.” “Mattress.” “Headboard.” Burnie: I wonder if something would like change names too? Gavin: Yea, like, “Orange orange oran—” “JUUUUIIIIICE!” [Laughter] A ladle would have a dumb voice like *deep voice* “Laaadleee” Gavin: Yeah, I’ll take it YOU WOULD!? Gavin: You know, i’d just plug in – put in ear plugs OH! No I wouldn’t! Kerry: The earplugs would go, “Ear plugs!” Everytime I don’t hear something, it would be shouting, “Ea-” I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it at all. Eh, I’d do it. Yeah, because I mean, I imagine the pillow, if it matches it’d be like, [softly] “Pillow, Pillow.” Gavin: Good point!
Kerry: It’d be a little soothing. I would not take the money. Kerry: Million dollars.
Burnie: Million dollars. Kerry: Get in cash.
Burnie: A lot of money It’s a lot of money, it’s a lot of money in cash Kerry: Every time you spend any bit of that money: Every bill…
Every coin… You gotta lick it. [Collective Groan] Kerry: Every single one Burnie: So let’s say you buy a used car, ten grand… Kerry: Yeah
Burnie: Right? Gavin: So you just pull out your bag and start licking…? Burnie: 10,000 dollars, you go to pay in cash [Lick sound] Bam Gavin: Your tongue would go black and raw Burnie: Oh yea it would! [Collective gagging and coughing] Front and back!? Of course! Burnie: Ugh, gross!
Gavin: Come on! Why’d you even ask? I mean, I guess to be fair, you could just like roll it up and shove it in Burnie: Ugh!
Gavin: Like, if you just let it soak? Kerry: Yeah [Gavin gagging hard] Kerry: Maybe like five seconds
[Gavin gagging harder] Kerry: So imagine you go to an arcade right?
You got quarters… Every one you want to use, you gotta like, swish around first… [Gavin still gagging] Burnie: So, do we get the tokens and then you just like jam them in your mouth? Kerry: Yeah, and then you just kinda blegh And then use it What do you guys think? I’m gonna say, one million dollars? I’m not taking that! Kerry: Gavin?
Gavin: I wouldn’t do it No? Uh, I want money, i’ll do it, yea. Burnie: You’d do it!?
Kerry: Yeah, i’ll figure it out Can I keep it? You can have the five bucks if you lick it [Groans and laughter followed by gagging] Well, thank you for joining us We want to thank our guest, Kerry Who is now three million dollars richer so… If you need a loan, there you go [Voiceover] Hey, if you like this episode of “Million Dollars, But…” Make sure you check out last week’s too! And click here to subscribe