Burnie: Hello, and welcome back to the season finale of “Million Dollars, But…” We have the original crew back together Barbara, Gavin, Burnie. Barbara since you were on the original one And I have not been on an episode with you in so long Why don’t you start us off. Barbara: Well, the name of the show, million dollars, Burnie: Million dollars.
Barbara: You’re going to get a million dollars. Barbara: You’re going to get a million dollars. Burnie: A lot of money. Barbara: But, for the rest of your life, every time you want to walk, you have to run. Burnie: Full Sprint?
Barbara: Full Sprint. Barbara: Just think of anything, walking your daughter down the aisle. (Gavin and Burnie laugh) Burnie: You’re like, “Sweetie. Why don’t you get a little head start? I’ll catch up don’t worry.” Gavin: “I’ll meet you at row four.” (Burnie and Barbara laugh) Barbara: Or you know if you’re, at home, you’re getting something out of the microwave to go eat, in front of your television. Pick it up carefully making sure nothing spills over and then you gotta sprint full speed to your couch. Burnie: So I’m running through the house with a tray of food basically. Gavin: So when you’re all wet after a shower you’ve gotta sprint out of the shower to- Slide around the bathroom. Barbara: You’d probably dry faster that way
Slide around the bathroom. Barbara: You’d probably dry faster that way.
Gavin: Yeah. Barbara: Or even just walking with your girlfriend. Gavin: Pulling her arm off. Burnie: You’re just like, yanking her down the road.
Gavin: Pulling her arm off. Burnie: You’re just like, yanking her down the road. You’re running. Or if you’re just walking side by side you’re like running around her in circles like a dog Just so you can have a conversation with her. Gavin would you take it? Gavin: I don’t think I would take it. Burnie: You could get a wheelchair. Gavin: You know how offended people get if they see you rolling on a wheelchair then get up and go and do stuff. Burnie: They go “Oh that poor guys in a wheelchair.” “It’s good he has access.” and then you stand up and just bolt to the fridge and get a drink. And then come back like, “What a prick.” Burnie: I’m gonna do it. I would take it. Gavin: Don’t be a waiter. (Barbara giggles) Burnie: See you guys (whoosh) Burnie: You get 1 million dollars cash, Barbara: That’s a lot of money. Burnie: But for the rest of your life, your teeth are perfectly healthy, Instead of white, your teeth are black. Your tinder profile would be difficult that would all be closed mouth smiles Gavin: God… Burnie: Like when you go to meet the person, You’d be like talking to the person like covering your mouth with everything in sight. You’d be like, drinking out of a glass of wine like “Hey, what do you like to do?” Gavin: Yeah, “Let’s hear more about you.” Burnie: (weird voice) Hey my name’s Barbara. I’m Barbara Dunkelman. Barbara: You’d smile and it’ll look like there’s like just nothing. Burnie: That’s the best case scenario. Gavin: Yeah.
Barbara: _Is it?_ Burnie: What if I let you pick the colour. Gavin: What if it was like a plaid shirt. Burnie: A plaid shirt? You want plaid teeth? Barbara : Like a pattern?
Burnie: A plaid shirt? You want plaid teeth? Barbara: I would love like a floral print, yeah.
Burnie: Go for it. Gavin: That could be fashion in the year 2058. Barbara: I would do it. I think I can make it look cool. Gavin: I would take it. Burnie: You’d take a million dollars to have black teeth. Gavin: If I live alone, Burnie: Which you will. Gavin: With a million bucks, you can have fun. You can have a lot of fun. Play video games. Barbara: Buy hookers. Burnie: Read books. Gavin: I’ll take it. Burnie: For black teeth? No way. I wouldn’t do it. Gavin: Okay, million dollars. Burnie: Million dollars. Gavin: But, Burnie: A lot of money. Gavin: Man no longer make fire. Your anus is like a little pilot light, and that’s the only source of fire. Burnie: You’d make *so* much money selling fire. Gavin: Yeah it’s a like a dude he like- Barbara: He has a cigarette right by your ass.
Gavin: He’s got a cigarette in his mouth, goes down comes back up and it’s lit. Gavin: He’s got a cigarette in his mouth, goes down comes back up and it’s lit. Burnie: Someone can’t come, light a torch on my butt Gavin They can.
Burnie: Someone can’t come, light a torch on my butt Burnie: And they carry it back to Russia? Gavin: You could do the Olympic torch that way if you wanted to. Burnie: Think how proud you would be when you see the Olympic torch on TV too like the big one that runs in the stadium for like two weeks You’d be like “I did that. I made that.” (Barbara giggles) Gavin: I think it’d be cool. You’d be the most important person in the world. Burnie: Possibly the universe. They’re launching a shuttle and they’re like, “Look, we gotta have the real source. This is a space mission we need you to come light the engines.” (Gavin laughs)
Burnie: Of our space shuttle Burnie: Just that huge platform and then you down there with your butt, wiggling backwards. Gavin: Five, (giggle) four… Burnie: Then run as fast as you can. Barbara: I’m just imagining a really cold night in Canada Gavin: Just like squat.
And you’re outside and everyone’s just like huddled around your ass just like, And you’re outside and everyone’s just like huddled around your ass just like, Barbara: (cold noises) It’s so cold.
Burnie: And all your friends are just like (laughs) rubbing. Barbara: And roast marshmallows? Burnie: Over your butt? Gavin: Making smores on your ass.
Barbara: Yeah. Exactly. Burnie: Like, “Everybody having a good time?” Barbara: “Pass me one guys!” Gavin: “Oh I got one coming.” (fart sound) “EYY!” All right a million dollars, would you take it. Burnie: This is literally a million dollars butt question. Gavin: Million dollars…
Burnie: Literally. Barbara: I think it’s too much pressure. I don’t think I would take it. Burnie: What? Doing it in a heart beat. Barbara: Would you really? Burnie: I wou-I without(stumbles over words), I wouldn’t even need the million bucks! I want to control the world with my butt. Gavin: I would do it. Burnie: It’s an unique existence. Burnie: We did it (Gavin giggles), that is the final episode of the season of”Million Dollars, But…” We all made a little bit of money and I think we learned… Way too much, about each other. Gavin: Good season. Burnie: A very good season (Gavin and Barbara agree). Hope to see you very soon, don’t forget to like and subscribe, And come back next season, for “Million Dollars, But…” Barbara: And the million dollar butt. Gavin: Watch the old ones too. Burnie: Cheers everybody.