Hello, and welcome to another
episode of “Million Dollars, But”! I’m Blaine Gibson and joining me today is Barbara Dunkleman and, for his first time, Jon Risinger. [Barb] Yaaaay!
[Blaine] Look at that hair. [Jon] Happy to be here. So guys, I thought it’d be fun for this episode of “Million Dollars, But” to do, like, a themed episode. So I was thinking, what better theme than the 80’s!
-80’s is so fun. So since I’m the one that proposed the theme, I think I’ll start us out. You get a million dollars, but…
-Lot of money. You are basically a Smurf. [Blaine] You dress like a Smurf, you even talk like a Smurf. You’re like, “Hey, nice smurfin’ weather we’re having today!” [Jon] Yeah, you’d never be able to go on a blue screen–like sometimes we do like special effects. [Blaine] “Today, we have heavy smurfs coming in through the South where it’s going to smurf at about 70 degrees.” Here’s a smurf, the shittiest weather man ever. What if you’re like on jury duty, and you have to like say the order? [Jon] And you’re like, “We find the defendant smurf.” [Blaine] “What?!” Would people be more or less attracted to you because you’re blue? [Jon] If you were a girl at the other end of the bar. And you just look down, there’s a guy. [Barb] “I like tall, dark, and blue!” [Blaine] Also, thinking too, like whenever you have sex or whatever. “Oh smurf me so good! Do me right in the smurf. Oh, I’m so close! I’m gonna smurf!” [Barb] Can’t you just like go live in a cabin somewhere like in seclusion for a year? [Jon] I think that’s where, like, folklore comes from! “There’s like the blue guy living up in the mountains up there. Some people say they see him at night, wandering around, looking for berries.” [Blaine] They catch a video or a photo of you, it’s like Bigfoot. So you get a Million Dollars, But- You’re a Smurf for a whole year, would you do it?
-I would take it. I would go blue and I would just find a way to put myself in seclusion for as long as possible. I would totally do it. You know, yeah like it’s a little quirky to have for a year. I think I would do it too. Yeah. Million Dollars, But: randomly throughout the day for an entire year, a random room will turn into a Nickelodeon [Jon] “Double Dare”-like game show themed around what you were going into that room for. [Blaine] I’m imagining, like, spotlight hits you, you look down, you’re like covered out in the whole outfit, the announcer, the crowd starts cheering,
and you’re like (softly) “God damn it” [Jon] And then every time you were done in the room or finished the challenge, you would just get slimed. So yeah, so if you walk into like your doctor’s office, and he’d, like, pull out a giant ball pit. [Jon] It has your medicine at the bottom, and you’d have to dive in to get your medicine! [Barb] “Go get it.”
[Jon] “I need the medicine now, please!”
[Blaine] “Gotta get that inhaler, complete that challenge!” [Barb] (gasping) “I’m dying . . . !”
[Blaine] (imitates sad trombone) [Jon] If you DIE on the show, the crowd’s like, “Oooooh!”
[Blaine] Yeah. [Barb] What if you stayed in the same room all day? [Jon] I think you’d just get slimed. You’d just be sitting in the bed, just slime coming down nonstop, until you got up and went on with your day. [Barb] See I’m just imagining you going in to a room to–have sex with your significant other! [Jon] (laughing) Oh no!
[Barb] And all of a sudden, he or she is dressed up in a suit and like, “Welcome! You must pass the test in order to get laid!” [Jon] Because everything on Double-Dare is, like, oversized, like body parts and things just, two giant pairs of legs like “Patch Adams”-style . . .
[Barb] (laughs) [Jon] . . . that you had to reach in there to find the ticket in order to have sex! [Blaine] “Can you find the G-spot?!” [Jon] So once again, Million Dollars, But: once a day for a year, a random room turns into a Double Dare challenge that you have to complete. I would take it.
-I think I would do it, too! Feels like fun. I’d take it too! Yeah. A Million Dollars, But! [Barb] From now on, there is a Teddy Ruxpin that comes to life . . . and hunts you. and if it ever gets within five feet of you, it kills you. [Jon] Oh, but Teddy’s so cute, though!
[Barb] Not anymore! [Blaine] Oh, it’s just like a crazed, little, like, killer?
[Barb] Yep. “I’m coming for you!” [Jon] Shit, that’s really depressing though, because like what if you’re out at a movie or something like that? You feel like a presence behind you,
and you look back, and it’s like “Teddy?” [Blaine] Yeah!
[Jon] Just, you just see a pair of ears just poking up over like a pair of chairs! You’d be like somewhere, like at a restaurant, it’d be raining outside and you just look out the window and there’s Teddy outside the window, just looking at you. [Blaine] Through the glass?
[Barb] (laughs) [Jon] What if it was one of those things where it’s like, only when no one else is around does he say his evil things. When someone else is there, he’s like, “I just want a hug!” And then all of a sudden like a, like, blade just comes out of his wrist, he’s like, “Ahhhh!!” (stabbing sounds, grunting) [Blaine] I’m imagining he has like a little axe, and it’s kinda like The Shining and you close yourself into a door, and he chops it open, and he’s like “Heeere’s Teddy!”
[Jon] Oh, god! [Barb] (laughs)
[Blaine] I imagine like getting lost in the woods, and how hilarious that would be. You hear like a branch snap behind you, “Hello?” [Jon] “Oh, it’s just a real bear.”
[Blaine] Yeah! (laughs) [Barb] Would you be happier to see a real bear?
[Blaine] Yeah. (growls bearishly)
[Jon] “Oh, okay.” So one million dollars, but you’re hunted by Teddy Ruxpin for the rest of your life! That’s a no! I would pay a million dollars to not have Teddy Ruxpin hunt me. I’m gonna go with yes, actually.
-I think that’s a fun challenge. You’re a brave man. I would not take it. Fuck that! [Blaine] Well, thank you guys for joining us for a special ’80s-themed episode of Million Dollars, But! I’d like to thank Jon and I’d like to thank Barbara. If you’d like more, subscribe to our channel and like this video. And also, if you want to play this game at home, go to MDBGame.com and get your own Million Dollars, Buts going. [Jon] Good party game! [Blaine] Let’s get the smurf outta here.