Please welcome this week’s
special guest, Ian. So, Claude, what is Ian to you? – Well, this is Ian and he’s keeping
my motorbike in his shed, and my wife doesn’t know that I’ve
actually got a motorbike. – Jordan, how do you know Ian? – This is Ian, we used to regularly
drive to a field together and howl at the moon. – And, David, what is your
relationship with Ian? – This is Ian, he is the taxi driver
who cooked me a fried egg sandwich on the engine
of his car. – So there we have it. Lee, where do
you want to start? – Well, we could do with one more,
cos none of them are sounding very convincing. So, Jordan, why would you bark at
the moon? – Because full moon, you know, like,
it’s what you do. – Oh, so, you were doing it…
– No, no, no, you don’t. – You would only do the full moon? – Yeah, it would be a full moon.
– Where would you do this? – Um, a field. – How old were you? – Four. My mum was there and some of her
friends. – How old are you?
– I’m 25. – And do you know how old he is? – Uh…
– Roughly? I notice you had to glance there,
Jordan, just to check.
– 40? – So he’s 15 years older than you,
so when you were four, he was 19, right? What’s your relationship with this
man? – He’s, like, my mum’s mate. – He’s your mum’s friend, and so
your mum would howl at the moon? – Yeah.
– Why? – Yeah, my mum loves the moon, in
fact. – It sounds like you all love the
moon. – Yeah. My mum’s name’s actually
Emmaluna, because she likes the moon. – Right. – Hang on, what? She changed her
name to that? – Yeah, I think she was called
Emmelina. – And what’s his name? – Um, well, Ian…
– Do you want a minute to think? – It’s Ian Howell.
– Ian Howell?
– Ian Howell?
– Yeah. – Ian Howell and Emmaluna. And did you have a moon associated
name at that time? – I wanted one.
– But you weren’t old enough to get
your moon name. – You hadn’t earned your moon name.
– Yeah. – They just kept calling you sun. “You’re not ready yet, son.” How many people were in the field
howling at the moon? – I don’t know, it was dark. – How long are you doing this? How long are you howling at the moon
for? Were you there all night? – How long for?
– Just until we felt better. – Better? What was up with you? – It’s very… No, it’s very
therapeutic howling at the moon. – But, yeah, therapy for what? What
was up with you? – Well, you know, the month gets a
bit like, “Oh.”
– Yeah. You look at your hands, they’ve gone
– Yeah. Yes. – We’d better howl at the moon. – But I had a, you know, quite a
hippie upbringing, you know. I was just getting at one with
nature. – So it’s getting at one with
nature, it was a bit of a hippie… – Feeling the energy. We just had a thunder moon,
actually, very powerful. – You’ve just had one?
– Yeah, recently.
– We have just had one.
– Yeah, we did. – I haven’t personally had a thunder
moon. – What’s a thunder moon?
– It’s not, like, a dish. “I had thunder moon last night, it
was fantastic.” – I had curry last night, I had
thunder moon this morning. – All right, who else would you like
to question? Claude, why don’t you remind us
of… – Sorry, Claude, yes.
– ..how you know Ian? – Well, I know Ian because I first
met him about a year ago.
– Yeah. – And he came to fix a leak in my
house. In the course of conversation, he
said that he’s got a motorbike, and actually I’ve always wanted a
motorbike. – Right, have you never owned one
– No, I haven’t.
– No. – So you’ve never ridden one? – I probably have on holiday, but
– All right. – What bike is it?
– What bike have I actually bought?
– Yeah. – Well, I’m glad you’ve asked me
that. It’s called… I don’t know how
familiar you are with bikes? – Very familiar.
– Well, let’s assume he is.
– OK. It’s called a Fat Boy.
– Oh, good.
– Fat Boy? – It’s a Harley Davidson. – And when did you take your test? – No, I haven’t taken the test.
That’s why the bike’s in his shed. – Because you can’t drive it?
– Not yet, but I can start it up. – So you bought… Why haven’t you told your wife? – I don’t think she’d approve. – Well, do you think this is not
going to give it away a bit on national television? – Look, sooner or later the truth
must out and I’ve chosen tonight. – You’ve got a Harley Davidson that
you’re just happy not to ride around.
– Well, I’m not happy, I’m not happy
about it. It’s more of a status symbol, do you
know what I mean? I’ve got a Harley.
– It’s only a status symbol if it’s outside the shed and you’re sat on
it. It’s not a status symbol if it’s in
someone’s shed and no-one sees it. You might as well have bought a
rake. And you go and visit the bike?
– I do.
– To have a look at it? – Well, what I do is I tell my wife
I’m going on a business meeting and that gives me a few hours of
leeway and I go to the shed. – And what do you do?
– Start up the bike. Feel the throbbing. – What do you think your wife’s
going to say when she’s watching this programme,
apart from, “Why did you go on that?” – Well, the thing is that actually
she’s in the audience now, so it’s even worse than…
– She’s here tonight?
– She is. – Well, this’ll be nice for her to
find out. How much did you pay for it?
– Well, the thing is I’m glad… The list price was around £17,500. I said that quickly, so it doesn’t
kind of get too much… – And how much did you pay, darling? – I paid a shade under 15 grand,
which I think you’ll find is a very good price. – Why did they give you 2,500 grand
off? Cos you’re clearly a rich… – Cos that’s the way I do deals. – You’re just good at doing deals? – Yeah. That’s the way I roll. – Now, when you do come to ride this
bike, what will your attire be? Will you be wearing leathers?
– Yes, I’ve already bought my
leathers. – You wear the leathers when you go
to look at it?
– Yeah. – You don’t!
– I do. But the thing is with me, it’s just that I just wanted to have
the wind in my hair. – All right, what about David? – Remind us again, please, David. – This is Ian, he’s the taxi driver
who cooked me a fried egg sandwich on the engine
of his car. – And where were you going from and
to? – I was going from a holiday home in
the west country in Cornwall. – Your holiday home? – No, I temporarily had legal access
to the holiday home. It’s quite a common… I don’t know
what the name of it in contract law would
be, but it’s like when you go on holiday to a holiday
home and it’s not your holiday home, but you’re allowed to
be there for a bit if you give them money.
– It’s called a rental.
– Rental! – You’re at a rental home. – And then I was leaving it to go to
a railway station. – What station was it? – Bodmin Parkway. – You definitely started the word
Bodmin not knowing how that was going to end. Bodmin Parkway.
– And he drove you to Bodmin
– Yes. – And when did the fried egg, when
did that come out in conversation? – Yeah.
– When we’d arrived at Bodmin.
– You’d already arrived? – Didn’t you have a train to catch? – Yes, but the train…
– Yes? – ..had been cancelled.
– Ah. – Why? Why was it cancelled? – I can’t remember, but it does
sometimes. Believe me, that can happen. – Could he not just drive you into
Bodmin and find a cafe and go to a cafe? – I think he’s proud of his egg on
engine cooking skills. – How did he do it? Do you have a frying pan on the
– What happened? – Aluminium foil. – So he has this with him…
– Just cracked it in. – Oh, he didn’t have any of this
with him. No, no, he mimed it. – And where did he find the egg? – He had it in the car.
– He had an egg in the car? – Oh, that’s weird.
– I’ll tell you what, he didn’t just
have one egg, he had, I think, I would estimate
between three and six. – Where did he keep these eggs in
– In an egg box. – No, but where was the egg box? Was
it in the boot? – No, I think it was in a bag in the
boot. – A bag in the boot. – Boot, bag, egg box, eggshell, white, yolk. – You forgot an egg for a minute. – For a man like you, David, it
seems socially awkward to be standing round the engine with a bit
of tinfoil and… – But isn’t that more reason that it
happened? Any normal people like us would just
go, “You’re all right, mate,” and walk off.
– Yeah. – David, he’s stood there, “Well, I
suppose I’d better forget “the train and just have an egg
sandwich.” – Forget the train! I’m waiting. I’ve got to wait there an hour. Yeah, I’m not trying to sort of
forge a new life with Ian at Bodmin Parkway car park. Oh, we’ve got four eggs, that’ll see
us through the next day or two. – So, we need an answer. Lee’s team,
is Ian Claude’s motorbike minder, Jordan’s moonlight mate, or David’s
fried egg friend? – What I don’t like about David’s
story is the idea that there was another – I
live in the south-west – that there was another train in an
hour, they’re not that frequent. – Really? Are they like once a day? – There’s like three trains on that
line from Bodmin. – You’ve been done. Wow.
– OK, what about Claude and the
motorbike? – The idea that he wouldn’t tell his
wife that he’s bought a motorbike, I
actually do buy, I buy that bit. The bit I don’t buy is that he
chooses a light entertainment show that’s been nominated for three
BAFTAs – we’ve never won – to tell everybody, mainly his wife,
that that is what he’s done. – All right, now what about Jordan
and howling at the moon? – I’m liking this story. – I still don’t know why. He said
it’s to make him feel better, but… – No, I had hippie parents and I had
to do a lot of weird stuff. – What did you have to do? – Oh, we had to go and sit in
circles and chant and shout, in like communes in Scotland. Yeah. So I had to weird stuff like that. – Am I the only one that we all had
to go shop lifting at Threshers? – I’m thinking Jordan.
– OK, we’ll go… Shall we go for
Jordan? – You’re going for Jordan? – Or it could be Claude, look at his
little eyes. It was just as I said Jordan then,
you were about to turn, Claude literally, like the evil man
with the white cat. He literally went, “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” Just because of the menacing evil
smile, I think we should change to Claude.
– You’re going to go with Claude? – Claude, the smile of victory.
– All right. Ian, please reveal your true
identity. – I’m Ian, and Jordan and I used to
howl at the moon.
– Ah! – HE HOWLS – Is he called Ian Howell? And were you called Ian Howell
before you were howling at the moon or did you
change your name? – Yes, I was always called Ian
Howell. – I knew it, weird hippie stuff. – Let’s hear the howl. THEY HOWL Yes, Ian is Jordan’s moonlight mate. Thank you very much, Ian. Thank you.